


My Four Stall Walls

by ahintofsparkle



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 12:09:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3649809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahintofsparkle/pseuds/ahintofsparkle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place during Episode 5 of Series 1 of MMFD. Entries from Tix's diary. </p><p>AU where Rae goes to dinner with Tix instead of going to the rave with her friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Wednesday 21st of August, 1996

Dear Diary,

I want to be more like Rae. Then, my life will be full of things like boys, rather than things like how many calories things contain and how to lose those calories.

Dr. Nick had me come in today. Kester was there, but I don’t think it would have made any difference if he had not been. It is not like his counseling appointments have been helping me, thus far. Dr. Nick is trying to make me drink at least two of those Big-Cal nutrition drinks a day. He must not have ever tasted one because if he had, the hospital’s entire stock would have been chucked into the dumpster long ago. They taste like tar, but he won’t take my word for it. 

He said that my BMI has dropped again, significantly, and that I could be in danger of falling very ill, but he doesn’t understand. I am not like Rae. I have never been like Rae, and I never will be. 

Rae and I have these nicknames for each other. I call her ‘Skinny’ and she calls me ‘Fatty.’ To an outsider, the names wouldn’t fit us. Others would think that they should be switched, but they don’t get us either, and that is okay. You see, we have these names to help remind us of who we are and that there isn’t anything wrong with being seen as fat and that we don’t have to force ourselves to be skinnier. I want to be more like Rae...because she holds onto this while I have since forgotten it. 

As Rae gets to explore the outside world with her newfound friends, I am still stuck in here. She was the only one of us who had a chance to get better, to go home, to live a real life. She can go out and find other things or other people that can keep her afloat. And Danny, well, Danny has his hats. They keep him sane, or as sane as he can be, and they help him. When Rae left, I lost the thing that could hold me up, the person that had kept me going. 

Dr. Nick said that I have to start eating solids again. I told him that I don’t like to eat in front of people but he pointed out that I was on supervised eating. He threatened to put me on tube feeding unless I start eating and my weight stabilizes. I know he really doesn’t want to do that, but I don’t want to eat either. 

I had another session with Kester today. He asked if I was scared. I am, I am scared. He told me that I have to let go, that it is okay to lose control sometimes. Kester said that I don’t have to worry all of the time and that I don’t have to count calories. The thing is, I can’t help it. I feel compelled to do it. I can’t just turn off all of my thoughts and impulses. I do wish it were that simple, though. 

When I didn’t reply, he decided to take a different approach, one I rather liked. He asked me to tell him something—anything—that makes me feel good. There was only one thing I could say: Rae. Kester asked about having him set up a date between Rae and I for dinner. I told him that Rae would like that and that I would like that too. I think this could be good for us. I think Rae might actually be able to help me in some way. 

 

Tix


	2. Chapter 2

Thursday 22nd of August, 1996

Dear Diary,

I called Rae earlier, to tell her about what Kester suggested. She said that she loved Kester for saying that I need to lose control. I had to ask her how to lose control; I didn’t quite know what that meant, what I was supposed to do, or how I was supposed to do it. Rae simplified Kester’s words for me when she told me that I should do something that I have always wanted to do but I have been too scared of. 

I did try to do that today, but I just couldn’t. I was going to go swimming and jump into the water. I asked Danny to go to the lake with me around. I had asked a boy out and I was finally thinking that maybe I could be normal, but it didn’t work out that way. The lake was a bit less of a lake and more of a circular pond. I sat there with Danny on the bench looking at it, telling myself that he was just a boy and that Rae would say something funny. Telling a joke would have ended in disaster so I told myself to just stick with conversation. 

Danny started talking about ducks. It was funny to me that ducks were one of his favorite things, but I could see that they made him happy, even with just the mention of them. His thing is ducks. My thing is Rae. 

He said that it would be cool if we became ducks and that we’d go into the pond. He managed to take off his shoes rather quickly and made his way to the pond. He beckoned for me to join him and turned around. As he stepped into the water, I remained seated on the bench trying to convince myself to let go, to lose control. I fought my urges and managed to take off my boots and continued repeating those words, over and over again, in my head as I walked along the gravel to the pond. 

I tried to get into it with him, but I couldn’t. He looked so happy, but I just couldn’t get myself to let go. 

I couldn’t do it. 

 

Tix


End file.
